Accounting Inside The Church [A Story] – Part 2

I was surprised that Deaconess Emeka came into the office. I ushered her to sit down.

Deaconess Emeka: Accountant the Accountant
Me: mummy it is well ma
Deaconess Emeka: I want to know where you are living
Me: I live at Iyana Church ma.
Deaconess Emeka: Iyana Church ke? O ti jina ju now
Me: I know ma. I am planning to scot with a friend at Olorunsogo. And….
Deaconess Emeka: (cuts in) don’t worry. We have discussed and we have resolved to get an apartment for you that will not be far from the church.

After some discussion she left and I started pondering
How will I cope here?
How will these people treat me?
Hope I won’t be policed around?
As I was thinking about that, a call came on my phone

Me: hello
Caller: hello lover boy
Me: who am I speaking with?
Caller: hmmm Na wa for you. It is your angel Damola
Me: Dammy mi. Omo ele that I have vowed to marry if not….
Damola: shhhh. Please don’t make me remember how we parted….
Me: BTW why hiding your number?
Damola: well I am presently using a public line
in Gauteng.
Me: South Africa?
Damola: beeni o. I just called to check on you
Mr. Lover Boy
Me: Anyway congrats sweetheart. At least I am
happy that the visa was finally approved for
you. BTW I have been called by that church.
Damola: Wow!!!!! Congrats dear. I wished I was
in Ibadan presently to celebrate with you
Me: how?
Damola: u know now. Wrapping my lips around
your “OPA MOSE” and playing with the balls,
sucking the living water from it……..
Me: o gbadun. And lest I forget, I am now a
church worker.
Damola: E pele o. Pasito Collins. I will call you
Me: ok dear, take care (ends call)

Damola and I met on the last day of our Youth
Service in Jos. When we were collecting our
Discharge Certificate at Rwang Pam Stadium, I
discovered that someone came in from nowhere
and wanted to jump the queue to collect her
certificate. I was mad and I had to challenge
Me: excuse me ma’am, you have to go and join
the queue.
Damola: wetin you go do for me?
Me: please respect yourself and go back.
Damola: even if Jonah dey for queue, he no fit
tell me say make I no collect my certificate
before am.
Everybody on the queue started laughing and I
was seriously embarrassed. Later in the evening
when I boarded the bus going to Abuja, I
discovered that a lady’s bag was beside where I
wanted to sit and no longer I sat down a lady
came to the bus and guess what? She was the
Damola: Mr. man God don catch una. She said
among smiles
Me: (turning to my friend) omo yii lo f’oshe yi mi
ni stadium.
Damola: (turning to my friend) ma da lohun. O
fe ma se bi Van Damme.
Me: Well nnkan t’o ti sele ti sele, I am St. Collins
(extended my hand to her)
Damola: Omo Igbo t’on so Yoruba ni yii?
Me: Ogidi omo Yoruba ni mi
She surprised me by hugging me and said to
my ears “you are too ugly”

(flashback continues)
Our journey to Abuja was eventful because we
all argued and discussed about the elections
(between GEJ and GMB) and how Jega is
bleeping up
with the non-functionality of the card reader in
some places. We arrived at Abuja and funny
enough we dropped at the same bus – stop. We
exchanged numbers and sooner or later, we
started dating each other. On a fateful day she
came to Ibadan to pay me a visit, she collapsed
she was rushed to the hospital. It was there
that we discovered that she had anaemia and
she urgently needed blood transfusion. When I
volunteered to donate blood to her the Doctor
said he wanted to see me in his office
Doctor: Mr. St. Collins (pronounced as Sin-
Collins), there is not a good news. Who is she to
Me: She is my girlfriend.
Doctor: I am sorry to tell you sir, you are AS
while she too is AS
Me: mo gbe (i am in trouble)Ahhhh!!!
I felt my world was crashing…. My first and only
girlfriend!!!! The girl that took my virginity!!!!
Why I was crying leaving the doctor’s office.
woman came to console me that I should take
heart and volunteered to donate hers’. When
she was alright I broke the news to her. She
and cried but later she took heart and we
remained best of friends, though sometimes
whenever she comes to Ibadan, we always have
blowing “bleep – bleep”
The following day, I resumed back to office at
8.30am. The Head Pastor called me to the office
and he gave me my appointment letter, and
surprisingly a key to an apartment paid for by
Deaconess Emeka. I was surprised because I
don’t know what is up in her sleeves. I went to
the apartment and wow, it was a room and
parlour self – contained apartment. After
returning back to office, I requested for
Deaconess Emeka number from the Secretary
and I called her to appreciate her for the
Deaconess Emeka: Hope the place is okay
Me: it is fine ma.
Deaconess Emeka: but no turn am to slaughter
slab ooo
Me: (laughs) Mummy no ooh.
Deaconess Emeka: Ok. I will store your number
Me: yes ma.
By that weekend, I moved to the new
apartment. Then on Sunday which was my first
Sunday in the church… I saw
weeen…..beautiful girls that made my “OPA
MOSE” tanda like pole. I had to switch off my
mind from the church in order to concentrate
in the service. The Head Pastor introduced me
to the church as the new Church Accountant
and the reaction from the girls made my mind
go haywire…….
After the service, Sis. Iyoaye came into my
office to remit the proceeds of sales from the
Sis. Iyoaye: Accountant, I want to ask you
ME: go ahead
Sis. Iyoaye: How is your girlfriend?
Me: (laughs) me I no get o.
Sis. Iyoaye: Iro le n pa (you are lying)
Me: We broke up due to medical incompatibility
Sis. Iyoaye: eeyah. Ok sir. Please sign the
bookstore remittance register. I am rushing

As soon as I signed the register, and she was
about going I pulled her back and pecked her
on the cheek. She was surprised and she said
Sis. Iyoaye: Accountant e ma koba mi o (please
don’t implicate me)
I felt like squeezing her Weapon of Mass
Defence and sucking the key of the weapon.
She winked at me before she left my office.


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