Accounting Inside The Church [A Story] – Season 2, Part 1

Few months after my wedding with Iyoaye, we decided that instead of both of us doing the business, I should return back to the church and continue to work there. I discussed with the Head Pastor and he was glad to re – absorb me. I resumed back to work there with speed and alacrity. But on the day I resumed back I was summoned to the meeting with the Church Board. After I entered I was ushered to sit down.

Head Pastor: Bro Collins, we are happy to have you back. Infact, the new Accountant just messed up our books and committed serious blunders.
Me: Thank you sir.
Elder Garba: The Accountant, I am happy that you are back to the church office. I hope this
time around you will not “run” away again like you did the other time
Me: No sir. I wont run away.
Head Pastor: Accountant, you have to reconcile all the accounts from the very day you left to the last service. External Auditors from the Main Church will be returning back next week to check back the books and let me tell you this; we were about planning to meet you when you called us if you can come back.
Me: I feel honoured sir.
Deacon Gbade: Pastor, hope this our new accountant won’t be chasing girls in the church?

Head Pastor: No!!!! even when he was with us the first time, he had a stainless record for not messing up with the ladies in this church. So I can vouchsafe him anywhere anytime.

Me: [(thinking) ti Pasito yii ba mo nnkan ti mo dan-wo (if Pastor knew what I did, he won’t be
saying this)] I did not and will not do such.
Deacon Gbade: Ok. But accountant know that I am watching you.

As soon as I got to my office, I discovered that the place was seriously dusty. I beckoned to the
cleaner to come and clean the office. After cleaning the office, I settled for the day’s job.

No longer when I settled I heard a knock on the door
Me: come in.
When the person entered I was rooted to the spot! She had the body of Chika Ike but had the complexion of Caroline Ekanem… surprisingly it was Ritababe!
Ritababe: Accountant welcome back.
Me: Thank you dear. And how is work?
Ritababe: Work is going on fine. But Collins, you really offended me. You eventually did your wedding with Iyoaye. Thank God you are back. I promise that you will pay.
Me: (mogbe) abi mot i gbo ni?. (I no hear that one ooo)

(Flashback) Ritababe has been a lady I fancied in the choir. We were close and most times she calls me pet names whenever she had the chance. One day when we went to the youth camp, we sneaked to a very secluded and dark area of the camp where we had s*x; I deflowered her that night and afterwards she had been a pain on my neck that she wanted to marry me. I tried my best to avoid her because my people were against both of us settling
down but she was adamant. (She was Igbo while I was Yoruba)….the usual intercom jerked me back to life

 

Me: hello
Assistant Pastor: Please Accountant come to my office
Me: ok (call ends)
Ritababe: a tun ma ri’ra (we will see later)
When I got to the Assistant Pastor, guess who I saw, MattKelly!
MattKelly: Padi mi to sure ju…….
Me: Eh! Mattkelly!! you A pastor I was shocked
Mattkelly: Padi mi na me ooo. You are surprised abi? At least Saul was converted and he became Paul.
We both laughed. Then I asked
Me: what about Pst. Onihaxy?
Mattkelly: don’t mind the guy. He was caught smooching a girl in his office by the Head Pastor and was dismissed summarily. But the lady stopped coming to church.
Me: well….Pst. Mattkelly, I hope you don change.
Mattkelly: well baba God don arrest me sha. But by the way, I heard you are married.
Me: yes I am married.
Mattkelly: na you be boss o.
Me: My pastor, if I be boss you be senior archbishop.

I returned to my office only to discover that I have 13 missed calls. Four were from my wife and the remaining nine from an unknown number. I called my wife and spoke to her but after making the call, I called the other number

Me: good morning I missed your call
The person: I know that you won’t miss me; it is the call that you will miss. This is Dcns. Emeka.
Me: Aiyeraye oooo. E ku ojo meta (it has been a long time)
Dcns. Emeka: I know other women would have been competing with me.
Me: no ooo. I have stopped all these. And besides I’m married
Dcns. Emeka: What You got married and you didn’t tell me
Me: it is not like that ma. My phone was flashed and I forgot to remove the sim and all contacts were wiped off from it.
Dcns. Emeka: o ga o. well sha I’m not annoyed. Just wanna tell you that I am back.
Me: that is great. What did you bring for your boy
Dcns. Emeka: Collins, I heard that you have left the church some months back.
Me: yes I did. With the consent of my wife, I called the Head Pastor and he was happy to reabsorb me.
Dcns Emeka: that’s lovely. But who is she?
Me: sis. Iyoaye.
Dcns Emeka: mtchewwww. Accountant, o se mi
(you have offended me)
Me: what happened ma
She ended the call. I loaded airtime on my phone and called her back
Me: Aunty what happened
Dcns Emeka: I thought that i will have you for the weekend. Don’t you know that I have
missed your OPA-MOSE?
Me: lol. Ma er….please try to understand…..i er…..know that….
Dcns Emeka: (cuts in) meet me at our usual spot tomorrow by 6pm
Me: but ma….
Dcns Emeka: bye (ends call)

I sat in my office pondering on what I have dragged myself into. How will I handle Dcns. Emeka How also will I handle Ritababe

WATCH OUT FOR PART 2 TOMMORROW